Who Said “Sh*t”?


I have three sons … all deep enough into adulthood now.

Two are fathers … the other is a genius.

I’m tempted to call ‘em Moe, Larry, and Curly … but if I do … and it gets back to them … well … then they’re gonna tell lots of secrets about you-know-who … so … no Moe, Larry, and Curly.

The oldest is a high school history teacher …. the middle one is a doctor …. and the genius is a business guy.

They’re all happy … and clever … and successful. They have wonderful mates, wonderful children … and each has a wonderful sense of humor.

When they were young-young … on a rainy weekend day … when they couldn’t shuck their energy in the usual ways … the three were in the den … dressed in their morning costumes of sad looking underwear. Watching wrestlers make fun of wrestling.

I was a room away when I heard the S-Word.

I have five brothers. There are very goofy rites of passage in a boy-kingdom. The S-Word is one of them. It’s that moment when a child uses that word in front of his father.

Believe me … it’s a BIG deal.

Everything has to be right about that moment. Right mood. Right situation. Right setting, Right reason. I mean … it’s all gotta tumble into perfect place to … to …  to say “shit” in front of your father.

And it’s a strange crossover moment, too. It sorta, kinda, maybe means the kid is not so much a child anymore … but a kid-kid.

He’s not a man. Nope. But … but he’s wise to his world … and his world has the “shit” word.

So … from the other room … I hear “shit”.  And up I get … and I’m there … and the three of them are on the crappy couch … in their ugly underpants and stretched-out, super-hero undershirts. Scrawny legs and knobby knees. Totally cute.

But … but I’m the dad … so … I’ve got my dad-face on. And I got their attention quick-quick.

“Who said ‘shit’?”

Blunt is a wonderful dad-bomb.

The mouths dropped open and the eyes went B-I-G. But … but this morning, they sort of keep their kid-cool going on. No one fidgets big time. They’re just looking up at King Dad … with their heads tilted liked little Cocker Spaniels … with big eyes..

I think they drew a little courage from each other. That can happen.

And I just stood there … and waited … which is the best-ever dad tactic there is.

And the oldest acts like the oldest … and the boldest.

“Did you hear ‘shit?”

I nod.

You’re sure it was ‘shit’?”

And the middle guy gets bold … “I thought I heard ‘shit’, too.” … and nods like a bobblehead at a stoplight.

And he turns to the youngest one and says … “Did you hear ‘shit’?”

This is called “passing the shit” … it grows the bravery … and kinda like kiddie-mafia pledge … but it really creates the perfect humor.

So they’re off.

The young guy’s the most reluctant.

“I think I heard it, too.”

And the oldest is not gonna let him get out of the shit game without saying “shit”…

You heard ‘shit’, too?what did it sound like to you?”

And the little one’s eyes are darting around like Groucho after a joke.

And he goes brave and says …

“It was definitely ‘shit’, alright. Yup … ‘shit’.”

Now they were all in. All three of them.

Officially. In the Shit Game.

Back to the oldest.

Yeah, it was definitely shit”

And looking straight at me says …

Did you say ‘shit’?”

Not me. I can’t play. I’m the dad. I just look cool and stern … and try not to laugh.

And so the oldest picks up the pace … and goes for the ‘shit’ record.

“I don’t say ‘shit’, Dad. ‘Shit’ is bad word. If I said ‘shit’, well, ‘shit’ would get me in trouble. Right, Dad?”

Not today, pal. This is Shit Day … and it’s all fun.

Well … the shit doors were flung open … and for the next minute I heard as many shits as I heard on CNN all day yesterday.

And the oldest clearly breaks the ‘shit’ record.

Oh, yeah. It was clearly shit. Didn’t you hear “shit’? I mean you’re not deaf to the word ‘shit’, are you?”

No, I am not deaf to the word ‘shit’. I hear ‘shit’ all the time.” … says the middle one.

And turning to the youngest, says ….“Don’t you hear ‘shit’ a lot?“

All day. I hear ‘shit’ all day. ‘Shit this … shit that …”

And he’s interrupted by the oldest … who feels he’s being out-shitted.

Wait a second. No one hears ‘shit’ more than me. I hear ‘shit’ fifty times a day!”

And now I cock MY head … and put on that face that says this bit of edgy fun is done.

And I retreat. Trying not to laugh.

But in the mirror straight ahead, I see their relieved faces … and then hear the snorty giggles … because … the guys had their Shit Moment.

And just then … my wife appeared at the bottom of the stairs and says …

What’s goin’ on?”

And I couldn’t resist…

Nuthin‘. They’re just bein’ little shitheads.

Take it away, CNN

Denis Ian


Cat’s in the Cradle …

2 thoughts on “Who Said “Sh*t”?

  1. When I was in the 4th or 5th grade, a girl in another homeroom said that word in class. The teacher took her to the girls’ restroom and washed her mouth out with soap. When I got home, I asked my mother what that word meant. She said it was another word for diarrhea that “coarse” people used. I didn’t hear it again for many years. Then when I was an adult, my mother-in-law and her 3 year old granddaughter were in her living room when the little girl used that word. My mother-in-law said, “I wonder where she learned that word.” I said, “From you.” And she said, “No, I don’t use that word. I say “Oh, shoot.” I said, “Not always.” Now it’s a very minor social infraction if any. I keep hearing new “bad” words all along,, some really very objectionable, and some of the worst ones are now mandated in the “comprehensive” sex education in many schools.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Whoa! Challenging the record books!

    “Some hours of Friday were much more aggressive in their use of the word. Don Lemon’s show CNN Tonight used 33 S-bombs — 22 in the 10 pm hour, and another 11 at 11 pm. Lemon did everything but ask if the missing Malaysian jet vanished into an S-hole.

    CNN’s New Day also rolled out 33 S-bombs in its three hours from 6 am to 9 am. Let’s hope the soccer moms didn’t watch Cuomo and Camerota on Friday.”


    Liked by 1 person

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